Germany’s Top Public Servants

Smokey der S-Bahn Schaffner - Akin to his American fire-prevention counterpart, this fur-clad ticket inspector has recently become under the employ of many German public transportation institutions. Smokey serves to remind that only you can prevent Schwarzfahren - riding without a valid ticket. Should one be caught in the act, Smokey has the power to prevent you from obtaining a good job and possibly not receiving your social security - a fate worse than death for many Germans. Also he’ll maul you.

Franz the Recycling Rabbit - For years, Franz has been a constant reminder to every good German citizen that recycling muss, in fact, sein. Children are quick to remember Franz’s now infamous sing-a-long - a catchy, up-beat jingle outlining the 26 different types of German recycling containers. In a recent children’s coloring book, Franz, having died from unnamed causes, is shown as himself being completely recyclable - an early reminder from German parents to their children that death, like recycling, is an unavoidable part of life.

Other loyal German public service mascots include:

Tommy the Forced Smile Alligator

Diedrich the Income Tax Tortise

and who could forget

Hermann the State-Sanctioned Castration Mongoose

The Darker Side of Breakfast Cereals

Breakfast cereals, albeit sweet and an integral part of a balanced breakfast, hold a gruesome history as tarnished as Africa’s grizzly blood diamond trade.

For some time it has been common knowledge that the Trix Rabbit is a cleverly disguised child predator and that the Lucky Charm Leprechaun has a long history of alcoholism and spousal abuse. Even now, one must be quite near-sighted not to be able to find to a connection between the bearish U.S. economy of the 1980s and a newly-developing avarice amongst breakfast cereal mascots who were slowly becoming niggardly caricatures of themselves, practically forcing children into prostitution for a bowl of sweet breakfast goodness.

Behind the crunchy, fruity facade of most of General Mills’ long-lived and long-time cherished mascots, lies a dark and vile past which as been hidden from the public for years. No longer able to safely hide behind the minions of Big Cereal’s propaganda machine, the entire troupe of breakfast cereal mascots has recently come under heavy scrutiny.

• The revered Cap’n Crunch was recently discovered by an international team of holocaust criminal hunters as being the infamous Hauptmann Erich von Krunchenhausen - an SS doctor responsible for insidious medical experiments on numerous inmates at the Buchenwald labor camp during the 1940s. While in custody, awaiting extradition from Argentina, Krunchenhausen reportedly committed suicide by swallowing a handful of cyanide-laced crunchberries.

• Officer Crumb, the Cookie Crisp Crook and Chip the Cookie Hound are in actuality a trio of con artists that have been working the cookie heist scene for almost 20 years. However, in recent years a growing distrust within the group began slowly to lead to its downfall. Officer Crumb was first brought up on charges of police brutality and then eventually implicated as a co-conspirator in a Peanut Butter Cookie Crisp heist in upstate New York. The Cookie Crisp Crook and Chip the Cookie Hound were found dead in a nearby farmhouse - presumably victims of a double murder-suicide pact.

• The original Tony the Tiger was eventually put to sleep after mauling seven children in a Bronx zoo in the late 70s. The new Tony the Tiger is nothing more than a product of selective inbreeding and a steady regimen of mood-altering sedatives.

• Toucan Sam’s real name is Samuèl Ramìerz, a drug smuggler from Nicaragua. In the early 90s Sam fled to Monaco to escape US Federal Marshals on charges of racketeering and international wire fraud. Eventually he succumbed to malignant beak cancer, brought on by years of relentless cocaine use.

Unfortunately, the only innocent one of the whole bunch was Count Chocula - a poor Romanian immigrant who was impaled with a wooden stake by a backwoods Arkansas moonshine distiller, who believed the Count to be an actual vampire.

So Long “Guten Tag”

Dass es sowas im Deutschunterricht nicht gibt, ist eine echte Schande.

Beating the Rainy Day Blues

For tips on staying cool and beating that miserable summer heat, check out my heat safety tips and be sure to have a fun…but above all safe…summer!

Rainy weather getting you down? Haven’t seen the sun in weeks? Live in Germany? Well now it’s time to say goodbye to those pesky wet-weather doldrums.

Protip: “Goodbye” in German is “Auf Wiedersehen” - which is roughly translated as “I am looking forward, with limited enthusiasm, to resuming our previous discourse, whether it be discussing work over a coffee, discussing work over a beer or just simply discussing work while on our way to work.”

Tips for Beating the Rainy Day Blues

1. Start a scrapbook or photo album.

• Keep a running time-line of your life, so you can look back and see where you have been and where your life is going. I find that the most interesting method involves some sort of distilled beverage, pictures of old girlfriends and a whole lot of crying.
• Use a different theme for each scrapbook. For example, “Cats” or “My Summer Vacations”. You can even share (and compare!) with neighbors and friends. However, more eclectic themes like “Hobos I have Maimed” or “Memories of Last Year’s Colonoscopy” are better left at home.

2. Get into arts and crafts.

• A couple of paper plates, some Elmer’s glue and dash of glitter will help liven up any rainy, Sunday afternoon. However, a warning for amateurs - not every stray cat you capture will want to have paper plates glued to it and serve as a foot-soldier in your newly conceived army.
• Give those old baby clothes some new life by ironing your own cute baby-phrases onto the happy toddler’s t-shirts. And as always, originality is the key - “pussy magnet” and “fuck the Arabs”; however, have already been taken.

3. Watch an old black and white movie.

• Many TV stations play classic films on weekends. Brighten up your Sunday by checking out an old Bette Davis flick or a Marx Brothers comedy. Or check out some classic pornographic caricatures. Nothing spells f-u-n-n-y like a black and white cartoon of Warren G. Harding sodomizing a horse with the caption “A return to normalcy”.

4. Start a journal.

• A journal is a great way to chronicle the events and feelings in your life. All you really need is some paper, a writing utensil and a desire to write. You can even go the extra mile and buy a blank journal at your local bookstore. Add some cocaine, several bottles of home-made whisky and a desire to broadcast your twisted views on society and politics to the world, and you’ve got your very own manifesto…or blog.

5. Make a special dinner for yourself.

• Fast food and prepackaged dinners are not only unhealthy, but also don’t allow you to appreciate the reward of preparing something special for yourself. Put on your favorite CD and enjoy your candle-lit dinner for one while you dine away the evening in self-prepared elegance. Or just take the money you were going to spend on dinner and get a cheap hooker…either way, you end up crying in the bathroom afterwards.

6. Facebook.

• Facebook, Facebook, Facebook, Facebook.

7. Read a book.

• A good book can cure the blues in no time flat. Take this time to read a classic you’ve never had time to read before; or even re-read an old favorite. I suggest you start with something like the DaVinci Code and work your way up to Harry Potter. Hey, at least you’re reading, right?

8. Have a party!

• Sometimes the best cure for those rainy day blues is other people. Be spontaneous and invite your friends over for a spur-of-the-moment celebration. No, your mother and the Internet do not count as friends.

Little Known Facts: Presidents

The following is a compilation of facts that have eluded the annals of history.

Today’s category: U.S. Presidents

George Washington: Once drowned a prostitute in the Potomac River.

Thomas Jefferson: Finalized the Louisiana Purchase in a crooked poker game.

John Quincy Adams: Was really John Adams.

Martin Van Buren: Possessed a collection of rusty fish hooks, which he would use to infect vagrants with tetanus.

Abraham Lincoln: Was born on a bed of rattlesnakes.

Ulysses S. Grant: Was affectionately called “Ug” by his companions.

Grover Cleveland: Once kicked the same guy’s ass on two, non-consecutive occasions.

William Howard Taft: Once paid an Irishman to fellate a grizzly bear.

Warren G. Harding: Ate the hearts of his enemies.

John F. Kennedy: Was banging chicks way before it became cool.

Ronald Reagan: Could morph into a jet.